Archive for the ‘Comedy’ Category

Lolz

January 16, 2010

So, I get back from the grocery store today, and I’m unpacking the bags and putting things away.  I bought some new toothpaste and I took it out of the box so I could put in the bathroom.  But then out of the corner of my eye, I see something…

AHAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHAAA!  I almost died laughing.  Out of all the words in the English language that could be used to describe dental hygiene and they pick those two?  Awesome.  The stock photo of the white family makes it even better.  This toothpaste was made in Egypt by the way.

It also immediately made me think of Andy Samberg.  You see, I was an Andy Samberg fan before he was on a motherfucking boat.  I was a fan before he ever put his dick in a box.  My friends and I discovered The Lonely Island in high school.  The Lonely Island was a series of web sitcoms that he and his fellow UCLA film student buddies Jorm and Kiv (who are now both SNL writers) made back in 2001.

Check out this video and you’ll understand why the toothpaste made me think of Andy.

Click here to see the full episode.  Andy, Jorm and Kiv get addicted to teeth whitening like it’s heroin.

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LolFetus

December 29, 2009

This idea comes straight from GingerMandy’s post about her annoying pregnant relatives.  Even I’m not immune to how annoying constant prego-chatter can be.  I have a lot of pregnant/new mom friends, which is awesome, but sometimes it’s a topic discussed into the ground over on Facebook pages.  Also known as TMI, and mommies can be some the worst offenders–no, I do not want to know what your baby’s poop smelled like!

So GingerMandy and her friend have invented LolFetus, just like Lolcats, only with fetuses.  Brilliant.  I had to Lol my fetus asap.

Don’t make bebeh angry…

I don’t think this is part of a balanced breakfast…

December 11, 2009

So I go into the kitchen for my cornflakes night-cap.  Let me preface this by saying that I am a cereal fiend.  Even as I’m pouring out the cereal, I’m making sure that I’m leaving enough for a bowl in the morning.  Yes, I’m even carefully planning out my next bowl of cereal.  I also make a mental note of how much milk is left.  Everything is still all good for the morning.

I go to complete my perfect bowl of cereal, the one I’ve been craving and imaging eating for the past hour, and reach for the bag of sugar to sprinkle (generously) on top.  Then the worst thing imaginable happens.

A roach falls out of the bag of sugar and lands in the middle of my cereal.

In my mind I’m still thinking I can save this (I must have gone temporarily crazy) and I nudge at the roach to try to encourage him to run over to the edge and make a quick exit.  He’s slightly smaller than a cornflake.  Of course in my mind I’m just rationalizing that if I can get him off as quickly as possible I can just scoop off the flakes that he stepped on and I can still eat this.  Wrong.

I grab a pair of wooden tongs and try to grab him, but that’s also ridiculous.  I end up hacking away at the bowl with the tongs as he rapidly disappears into the cereal.  Now there is a roach hiding in my fucking cereal.  My cursing and hacking even woke up hubby who was asleep down the hall.

Now I have no idea what to do with this goddamned bowl of bug cereal.  It’s still sitting on the counter where I left it.  We don’t have a garbage disposal and the trash is full.  Perhaps I’ll flush it down the toilet.

I have never lost a craving so quickly.

Update to the Update

October 23, 2009

So no doctor visit today, rescheduled til next week.

One because the lab results wouldn’t be back until Monday, and two because we lost our freaking debit card!  I got the bank to send one to my mom’s address and then she “overnighted” it with FedEx.  I say “overnight” because even though they call it that AND charge you $108 to send it, it still takes 5 freaking days to get here.  Overnight my ass.

Lame.  Oh well, I guess it could be worse.

I do have a funny story from the lab though!

Okay, so we opted to go to a nice private lab instead of the public hospital–where you have to wait all day and they’re kinda dirty.  Like any other business, it was located on one of the first few floors of an apartment building.  It was spacious and clean, it reminded me a lot of my doctor’s office.  I love how cordial people are here.  Whenever you go to any kind of business or shop, you always get invited to sit in the manager’s office to chat and have some tea.  First I got my blood taken, not as bad as I thought–I was thinking they were going to take a bunch of test tubes-full like they do in the United States, but she only took 6 cc’s, enough to fill a medium syringe.  Okay, I’m thinking hard part’s over, all I have to do now is pee in a cup.  Before I do that, we sat in the head lab guy’s office and drank a cup a tea while he and hubby chatted about things.  When I was done with the tea, I picked up the plastic cup they gave me earlier (complete with red plastic cap) and I walked out to the hall and motioned to the nurse that I was ready.  She points me to the bathroom.  I walked in.  Oh no!

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Oh yes.  Turkish toilet, also known as an alaturka or squat toilet.  I’ve been avoiding these things since I got here, but today it’s now or never.  I stared it down for a few minutes thinking, “Okay, I can do this…I’ve got to do this…” with my second thought being, “I don’t want to accidentally pee on my pants!”  I decided to take my pants off.  Luckily I was wearing loose capris so I managed to get them off without taking my shoes off.  There was no place to hang them so I gingerly put the on the floor in front to me (at least it was clean).  I squat, do my thing, fill the cup.  Just when I’m thinking I’ve successfully pulled this off…I tried to flush.  I turned the knob next to me thinking that the water was just going to come out from under the lip of the toilet…instead, it started gushing out of a metal hose that I had failed to notice before.  I grabbed my pants off the floor just in time to save them!  I stood up, put my pants back on, and then flushed the toilet the correct way–aim hose, THEN turn on water.

I put the cup on the shelf in the bathroom, washed my hands and then got out of there as fast as possible as if I was leaving the scene of a crime.

Hubby was laughing his ass off at me the whole way home.

Cleanin’ out my closet AKA random stuff from my blog folder

October 16, 2009

I have a blog folder on my computer, I’m sure I’m not the only one.  It’s just a growing image folder that contains random pictures that I’ve grabbed off the internet, thinking “hey I can write a blog about that!” but then it gets filed away and forgotten.  Well no more!  Time to clean out my blog folder.

As I was going through them, some clear category emerged.  Number 1:

  • Crazy foreigners on scooters…

a-idiot-dumb-stupid-people-170000

a-idiot-moron-stupid-really-18

idiot-moron-stupid-really-0

This topic fascinates me because I see this all the time in Turkey.  Set belt?  Nah.  Helmet?  Nah.  Weight restriction?  Nah.  Child seat?  Nah.  Legal?  Yep!

For me this was part of the culture shock from styrofoam-encased, over-protected America.

Category 2:

  • Pictures of Austin:
Congress Avenue Bridge

Congress Avenue Bridge

ACL Festival

ACL Festival

Traffic...

Traffic...

Sigh.

Sigh.

Can you tell I’m homesick?  It’s a beautiful city, go if you ever get the chance.

Category 3:

  • LOLcats (and one dog)

7923_162069915287_559735287_4012516_2557685_n

cute-funny-animal-pictures-17

funny-pictures-cat-plays-with-baby-toys

I sent this one to my best friend as soon as I found it.  She has this cat.

I sent this one to my best friend as soon as I found it. She has this cat.

cute-funny-animal-pictures-18

Category 4:

  • Pictures of my cats

Pearl

Pearl

Ecko.  Silly kitty jumped off the roof to the top of the patio umbrella, but then was stuck.

Ecko. Silly kitty jumped off the roof to the top of the patio umbrella, but then was stuck.

Leele

Leele

DSCN7269

I miss them, but they’re livin’ fat and happy at my mom’s so it’s okay.

Category 5:

  • Just plain random…

funny-crow-pics-18

daily-random-funny-pics-01-12-09-12

death_to_all_juice

helipad_proto_big

"Huh??"

"Huh??"

Welp, that’s it for now.  Thanks for helping me clean out my closet, now go have a kickass Friday!


Demotivated, the hilarious way…

October 3, 2009

In the spirit of my previous post (and yes, I have been feeling better) I wanted to show you some of my favorite Demotivational Posters.

Hilarious…

funny-gas-prices

funny-motivational-posters-76-20

funny-pictures-kitten-is-evil

motivational-funny-posters-3-27

motivational-funny-poster-uj-13

motivational-poster-monday-5vv-0

motivational-poster-monday-5vv-7

Now pick yourself up off the floor and get some work done!

Weeds 504 – Super Happy Lucky

July 22, 2009

Welcome to my latest (late) recap.  Enjoy!

Title card clue

I would kill to have one of these!

I would kill to have one of these!

This isn’t much of a clue, more like a lead-in since the show opens with them hiding out in an arcade.  Nancy is gleefully shooting buffalo and bunnies, and bitching at Andy about fucking her sister.  Andy calls it as he sees it, “Jealous!” She denies it, but he points out their hot make out session by the border fence last season.  He tells her to prove she’s not jealous by kissing him.  She tells him to go away.

Silas is watching Shane fail at the claw/stuffed animal machine (I don’t know the name for those, but you know what I’m talking about).  Shane is talking about how he wishes mommy would just fall down a flight of stairs (dark!) but Silas tells him, “This is happening whether we like it or not.” Nancy interrupts them to tell them it’s time to go, and Esteban is going to meet them at the house.  Now the boys will finally get to meet baby daddy.  Nancy warns them to be nice.

At the house, the awkward family meeting commences.  He gives the boys some free campaign t-shirts.

Silas: “So you’re like the mayor of Mexico, or something?”

Esteban: “Or something, yes.”

Shane: “And you stuck your penis in my mother at least once…”

Nancy: “Okay then, goodnight Shane.  Go upstairs.”

They ask what the hell happened to Sucio.  Esteban explains they think he mixed up his medication and wandered off (coughbullshitcough).  She thanks him for giving him a gun and keys to her house.  Makes them feel real safe.  He offers to let them move into his house in California, and even Andy can come.  They decline.  Silas leads a pissed off Shane upstairs, but Silas is nice enough to shake Esteban’s hand and give the usual pleasantries.  I can see in his own way that Silas is trying to be supportive of his mom.

Nancy wants to know where this new-found lovey-ness is coming from.  He tells her that he received test results back that confirm that the baby is his and is a boy.  Hold up, I’ve never been pregnant, but isn’t it pretty much impossible to tell the sex of the baby that early?  Oh well.  He calls in Ignacio, her new baby sitter, also another one of the characters from the tunnel/maternity store.  He comes in with a baby swing, a gift from Esteban.  Andy interjects to say that he could protect Nancy, but Esteban thinks this is hilarious.

j2Andy wants to know what Ignacio has that he doesn’t…and gets tasered.

"I call him Mr. Zappy"

"I call him Mr. Zappy"

Poor Andy…

Nancy: “Oh great.  Now he’s wet himself.”

Ignacio: “Heh, that happens, I get him a towel.”

At school the next day, Shane runs into his pot-smoking English Teacher.  Teacher wants more herb, like 4 grand worth of herb!  Shane is a little shocked.  I’ll translate that into street terms, he’s asking for a pound of weed (or close to it, I can only guess what Shane charges him per ounce, but somewhere between $250-$400 per O).  They can’t get too far into it because the bell rings and Mr. English Teacher has to go teach the Abstinence Only class, and if he’s not there, “The hamsters get raped with pencils.”

At the house Silas comes downstairs looking extra spiffy and business-like in his button down shirt and blazer.  Nancy is trying to assemble the baby swing, and Ignacio is watching Milo and Otis and eating Chinese food.  He’s not nearly as helpful around the house as Sucio was.  Nancy asks Silas if he’s seen Andy, and he tells her Andy’s in the garage working out.

j4

Nancy goes to find him, looking pretty sexy in her cowboy boots, cut offs and see through shirt, might I add.  She asks him if he’s just doing this because he peed himself last night.  He admits to it a little.  We all know he wants to be tough for Nancy.  She reassures him that she’s well protected and doesn’t need him too be tough; he asks her what she need from him…sweet, but before she can answer Ignacio comes to tell her the doorbell is barking.  Uh, Andy, she just asked you to help with the “baby erector set” of a swing.  Ignacio teases Andy and says he looks just like Jamie Lee Curtis in the movie Perfect.  While Nancy and Ignacio walk off laughing, Andy finds what looks like an old bank book inside of a boxing glove (he had mentioned that the exercise stuff used to belong to Judah).

At the door, who else?  Celia.

j5She wants to stay with Nancy, because now that she “escaped heroically” from her captors, she’s homeless.  Nancy tells her she’s pregnant, yes Celia, with a baby, and she needs peace and quiet which Celia is neither.  Celia’s first question, “Is it Andy’s?” results in Nancy having Ignacio throw  her stuff out on the lawn.  Then we see creepy Agent Till, still watching Nancy’s house and fuming over his dead lover.

"Nobody puts Baby in a corner."

"Nobody puts Baby in a corner."

Meanwhile, Silas and Doug are looking at possible pot club locations.  An old Asian lady-landlord shows them what used to be a dry cleaners.  She’s tough.

Landlady:  “You want the fish, buy the fish.  Don’t squeeze the fish!”

Doug:  “I’m not squeezing the fish, I’m sniffing it, and I have every right to sniff the fish if I’m going to buy it…or rent it.”

Silas:  “We’ll take it.”

Not so fast Silas, Landlord isn’t “cool” with a pot club opening up on her property.

Landlady:  “If you sell pot here, feds take away my building.”

Doug:  “Yeah, well you eat dogs.”

Landlady:  “Get the fuck out, you…asswhore.” (LOL, I’m stealing that one.)

At the house, Nancy is still struggling with her baby erector set, and declares, “Mommy needs to get drunk,” before she lays defeated on the floor.

j7Suddenly Ignacio enters, dragging an unconscious Agent Till.  She helps him carry Till into her room.  Ignacio says he caught him peaking into the windows, she wants to know why he would be there to arrest her.  He says no no, he wants to kill you, and show her all the weapons on him, including brass knuckles.  “Today, he is no cop, today, he’s Rambo.” Then he wakes him up just to taser him again, and asks Nancy to help him drag him into the tub because he wants to, “Burn his clothes, drain his blood, and melt his blood with acid.” Nancy tasers Ignacio…“Not in my tub.”

In the kitchen, Andy and Shane discuss whether or not Andy should impersonate Judah to gain access to his old savings account.  Shane tells him to go for it, and his dad’s old passport is in his sock drawer upstairs.  As they talk, Shane is emptying the freezer of Silas’ weed (I’m not sure how Silas is unaware that Shane is stealing from him, but he will be soon) and Andy asks him what he’s doing with all that, “smokable product.” Shane is honest, and Andy isn’t thrilled that his youngest nephew is selling weed, to his teacher of all people.

Andy:  “For the family’s greater good, right?”

Shane:  “For the family that tried to ship my ass to Oakland?  Sure think that.”

Andy is worried that Shane’s sense of right and wrong has gone off-kilter, but Shane isn’t concerned.

Shane:  “What can I say?  I’m a Botwin.  We’re not responsible for what we do.”

He’s turned into quite the angry young man.  Very angry at mommy, young man.

j8Unbeknown to either of them, Mommy has two men tied up in her room.  Till is trying to order her “as a federal agent” to untie him.  She calls him on his bullshit and demands to know what he did to Sucio.  He plays dumb at first, but then admits to it.  He asks her what side she’s on, Ignacio tells him she’s on his side because, “She make baby with the boss.” A fact that she did NOT want Till to know, because if you remember, she had denied knowing who the boss was previously.

j9 Then they hear Celia’s voice from the living room, she let herself in.  Nancy warns them if they make a noise she’ll kill them both.  When she leaves they start kicking each other again until Ignacio notices that Till has a boner and tries to move away from him as far as possible, yelling, “NO NO! I don’t want to fight with you anymore!” Haha, I guess Till has a bondage fetish.

Celia has come to see if Nancy will reconsider letting her stay there.  Nancy reacts by saying nothing, and instead throws lit matches at her.

j10Nancy is going insane, and it’s hilarious.  Celia decides they should talk later, and leaves.

At the bank, Andy discovers that there’s over $186,000 in Judah’s old savings account.  He also finds out that his grandmother (the one they pulled the plug on) had been adding to the account for years.

j11

The bank lady isn’t buying it though.  Turns out she’s an old jilted lover of Judah’s and she has some things she wants to get off her chest.  She tells Andy that Judah has to come talk to her before she’ll release any of the money.  He breaks the news that Judah is dead.

j12She’s devastated.

At school, Shane deposits $4000 worth of weed into Mr. English Teacher’s trunk.

j13

Bad move Shane.  Instead of settling up in the car and driving him home like he said, Mr. English Teacher locks him out of the car and drives off.  Oh Shane, you are fucked.

Back in mommy’s bondage bedroom, Nancy is faced with a dilemma.  If she lets Till go, he’ll kill Ignacio, if she lets Ignacio go he’ll kill Till.  She can’t decide what to do.  She wants to consult the magic 8 ball.  Till tells her to keep pretending she’s so noble because they’re still breathing, she already has blood on her hands.

Back over at grumpy Asian landlady’s place, Silas and Doug are getting the lease after all because the cop “beat up her cat.”  That’s twisted.

Andy is still consoling the lady from the bank (Margaret), but now they’re at the beach.  She reveals that Judah was her first, you know, and then he went away and her life became, “a bucket of shit.” She tells Andy that it was a pretty good idea to try to impersonate Judah to get the money, he sees his chance and talks her into helping him do it anyway.  She agrees, but only if he dates her and they both pretend he’s Judah.  He knows it’s fucking weird, but he goes along with it to get the money.

At the house, we see Esteban coming down the hallway.  Guess she’s made her decision.  He asks her if she’s okay.  She rattles off all the 8 ball answers.  No, she is not okay.

j14Esteban:  “What’s going to happen in there is not right or wrong, it’s not good or bad.  It is.  It’s what happens next.  We chose, you and I.  When we came together we chose, a life, this life.  For you for me for our son.  There is nothing I would not do to protect that life.”

Goodbye Agent Till.

Esteban and Nancy go for a walk on the beach.  He throws her magic 8 ball into the ocean.  He kisses her on the neck and then kneels down to hug and kiss her belly.  She knows what he is really in love with.

At the house we see Andy finish putting together the baby swing.  I guess he did get the message after all.  It’s a bittersweet moment.  The episode ends.

Until next time…

Weeds 503 – Su-Su-Sucio

July 20, 2009

I know I’m not to punctual with these recaps, but hey, I made an international move.  Oh well, hope you enjoy anyway.  Still working on getting caught up.

Title Card Clue:

we1we3

Soap and an out-door shower.  Okay…it’s got to be the one at their house.

Another morning for Nancy means another morning with Caesar.  She has a look of crazed annoyance on her face as she cracks her hard-boiled egg with a side of mustard and ginger ale.  I know they keep implying that she has morning sickness, but c’mon this is Weeds, lets just see her barf.

The barking door bell rings and enter Sucio.  We’ve seen Sucio before, but this is the first time I think we’ve heard his name, but don’t quote me on that.  He was the guy who first popped through the floor of the maternity store when Nancy discovers the tunnel, and most hilariously the guy Celia tried to buy cocaine off of when she stumbled down the tunnel with toilet paper stuffed up her bleeding nose.

we4

Sucio is Nancy’s new babysitter.  My theory that Nancy is understands more Spanish than she lets on gets a major boost; Sucio asks Caesar where the dog is (referring to the doorbell), Caesar answers “Eating the egg,” both are speaking Spanish, and Nancy replies, calling him a “pendejo” (asshole).  Caesar warn her that besides his tunnel digging duties his real talent is torture.  Hmm, was he one the guys removing that other DEA agent’s face last season?  The one that gave up Nancy’s name?  I don’t remember, maybe one of you can tell me.

This is her constant face these days.

This is her constant face these days.

Nancy:  Wow, is it too much to ask that he takes a shower?

Caesar:  He’s comfortable with his man-smell.  Live with it.

Exit Caesar.  (I’m starting to get the idea behind the shower clue)

we6

Down in ole Meheco, Celia is still playing house with Rudolpho (or is it Rudolfo? …idk).  He’s writing a ransom note for someone who has actual paying relatives.  Again, she wants to get all up in his shit and “help.”  Celia’s version of helping is micromanaging.  Methinks Rudolfo isn’t going to put up with much more of Celia.

Back at the house, Andy meets Sucio.

we7But it’s all cool, Nancy tells Sucio, “Brother in law…no shooty…Sucio, Andy.  Andy, Sucio.”  Andy makes a crack about Sucio’s name sounding like that Phil Collins tune Su-Su-Sucio, thus the episode title.  He gives her the lowdown on the weekend, minus the sister-fucking bit, but does mention that Jill is hot and just like Nancy, which she resents.  She goes to the bathroom, Andy is Andy and starts needling Sucio.  He responds by choking him.  Mwaha.

Nancy rushes out of the bathroom and declares she needs to go to the doctor.  We can easily guess this means bleeding.  In one of the smartest things I’ve ever seen her do, she takes Andy with her to Creepy Mexico Doctor.  Well, it’s only really creepy when Esteban is there, which he is.  P.S., I can see the sexual tension between Nancy and Andy growing.  My money is she’ll get the pregnancy hornies and he’ll be her only cure.  My only other wish is that Conrad would come back and foil Andy’s devious plans.  He kinda deserves karmic retribution for fucking Jill.

Anyway, the doctor says she fine, but she needs to stop stressing out.  Bad for the baby.  Esteban bitches her out about how her little emergency disrupted his day, and that if she didn’t stop stressing there would be consequences.  Um…yeah.  Andy sarcastically congratulates him on what a great father he’s going to be.  Not.

Nancy and Sucio arrive home (where the hell did Andy go?) and are surprised find Silas.  Silas is surprised to have a gun pointing at him.

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Silas is aware of how mom rolls, however, and the shock quickly wears off.  Besides, he’s got other concerns, like trying to sweet-talk mom into backing his new venture–medical marijuana shop.  Which makes me wonder, where is Nancy getting cash from these days?  She shut down the tunnel aka her source of income, and I doubt Esteban would be handing her loads of cash either.  So why does Silas think she’s Mommy Warbucks?  Also, looks like Nancy and Sucio are BFF now, he carries her groceries, opens her peanut butter jars, it’s cute.  Despite her better judgment, and perhaps because Silas threw the “you made this the family business” guilt card, she agrees.  To how much we don’t know.  Silas and Doug are still partners even after their woods misadventure, and she warns him not to let Doug near the “product.”  Ha.

Shane magically appears, followed by Jill, who has thrown him out because he threatened to show her husband the pictures of her and Andy on the washing machine.  I love that Shane of all people is the one that delivers the “she banged uncle Andy” news.

we9“She’s a screamer.”  Ew.  Jill is right, Shane is a weird little pervert.  They bicker about who always bails who out and who’s a bigger bitch, but you can tell there’s no real hatred.  Haha, Jill asks if Sucio is the father, and Nancy just goes along with it.  Andy shows up (from magic lamp land) and is surprised to see Jill, who’s already ready for more.  She coaxes him up to his room, while Nancy gives him the death stare. She consoles herself by sharing a peanut butter and banana sandwich with Sucio, while her brother-in-law and her sister go to fuck under her roof.

Silas and Doug go to register their new business with the city.  No shit, they run into problems.  Turns out they need approval from local law enforcement.  Uh oh.

That night, the whole family, and Sucio, gather for family dinner.  Embarrassing tales from Nancy’s past make for excellent dinner conversation.  Jill tells the one about her affair with her middle school math teacher.  I love how Nancy turns and explains to Sucio each time she’s trying contradict Jill’s story.  She has cared less and less what her children think of her in these past few seasons, which part of me wishes she wouldn’t lose touch with.

we10

Nancy finally shuts Jill up by pointing out how there’s no wild stories about Jill because she was boring.  It really bothers Jill.  Nancy tells her she’s just jealous.  Then she excuses herself to go throw up, Sucio pulls out her chair for her.  Jill delivers her best line after they leave, “I don’t mean to be judgy, but I mean, where did she meet that guy?  Home Depot?”

Flash down to Mexico, we see Celia getting snatched from her cot.  I knew her days with the Che Guevara wanabe were numbered.

The next day (I’m assuming) Silas and Doug go to seek the police chief’s approval for their pot club.  He’s flat out with them, he wants a cut.  Doug and Silas take an aside to figure out how they would like to be extorted, a flat monthly fee or a percentage of sales.  But dumb and dumber miscommunicate.  Doug is trying to tell him that the percentage would be bad for the cop and that he could cook the books for them, Silas doesn’t get it.  They wind up with the monthly payment.  Silas is stupid, maybe he should have finished high school, but they do get their signature.

At the house, Nancy has had enough of Stinky Sucio, and forces him into the outdoor shower.  Sucio looks…well, terrified.

we11Nancy goes upstairs to find him a loofah, his request (lol) and hears Jill and Andy at it again.  Gross.  She goes back to give Suico said loofah, but only finds his clothes and some blood.  Uh oh.

we12Nancy bursts in on Andy and Jill (with Shane looking over her shoulder, but hey I guess he’s seen this before) and gross, lets them finish, before telling them it’s time to get the hell out of there.

Celia wakes up on a bus at the boarder.  She asks the ICE officer demanding her passport where she is…”You’re in Texas, ma’am.”  Bwahaha..

At the house, Jill is being difficult about getting into the car.  She demands to know what is really going on and she wants in on Nancy’s exciting life.  We finally find out why Jill is really pissed at her.  She took care of their parents when they died while Nancy shirked responsibility.  Nancy apologizes.  Then Esteban calls, he’s very alarmed and says it’s not Guillermo’s guys, she’d be dead already.  He tells her to go to a safe place and wait for his call.  Jill is finally starting to realize she doesn’t want Nancy’s life after all.  She gets in the car.

As they leave we see Agent Till watching them from his car.  We know that’s who got Sucio, he wanted revenge for his murdered lover, the other agent.

Daisy of Love Recap #4

May 25, 2009

Oi, better late than never!  I haven’t been my snarkcastic self lately.  And yes, I will post a recap of #5 tonight’s episode very soon.  Sorry about all the delays, my loyal Daisy of Love readers.

The show starts off like it always does–rise and shine douchebags!  I don’t need to see these dudes putting on guyliner and washing their balls each episode, but thanks anyway VH1.

Haha, Sinister is feeling jealous of Chi Chi’s scrawny ass.  I finally have this show figured out, all these guys are the same except for Chi Chi.  These dudes, and the ones that have already been eliminated, all fall into the same category.  They’re used to girls falling all over their poser wannabe rock asses.  They act like they don’t care and are too cool for any chick that likes them, thus reeling her in further (see London and Fox) which as we can see is already back firing on most of the dudes.  Chi Chi is that other type a guy who’s got no game and tries to smother a girl with creepy affection and compliments.  He’s the type that gets stuck in the “friend” zone ASAP, so I don’t think his chances are any better.

Rock challenge!  Cheap-ass VH1 decides not to pay for any actual rock songs so they have to cover nursery rhymes…and then they’re going to play at the “world famous” Knitting Factory.  Never heard of it.

Six Gauge, London, and Sinister are team captains because they have alleged experience, then the picking of teams leads to more drama, naturally.  These boys are worse than the Real Housewives.  Sinister doesn’t pick Chi Chi and he is SHOCKED.  Really Chi’ch?  You thought he was going to pick you over pussy?  I guess you’ve never had pussy.  Chi Chi must be a virgin.

London picks Cage, because earlier when he was watching him shower in addition to noticing his rock hard abs he also took note of his awesome voice.  All of these guys are gay, I’m completely sure of it.  Nothing wrong with it, just don’t hide it, and don’t go on a dating show to hook up with a tranny…oh wait, I get it…never mind.

Team 1 is Six Gauge, Big Rig and Flex.  No one who benches below 250 allowed!  Team 2 is London, Cage and Chi Chi, aka Team Emo.  Team 3 are the leftovers–Sinister, 12 Pack and Fox.  They have two hours to figure out Old MacDonald, Row Row Row Your Boat, and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star…let the over-confidence begin…

Haha, Team Bench Press decides to go nude, I hope they at least do some sort of homage to the Red Hot Chili Peppers, but I doubt it.  The brain isn’t a muscle, they don’t know how to use it.  They add some glitter and sharpie tattoos, which is something a four year old would be more into.  They’re up first, and it can’t be over fast enough.  Note to all men, do not put your genitals into a “banana hammock” and shake it towards a woman, she will not be turned on.

London‘s band, aka “Daisy Blades” sucks through Row Your Boat but she still thinks London is dreamy.

Sinister’s band doesn’t suck the most, but for some inane reason she picks “Daisy Blades”.

Winners go on a Gibson Guitar tour bus.  She’s feeling less enamored with London for some reason.  She thinks he drinks too much, duh, and she asks him why he’s homeless, he explains about his dad kicking him out, but then with her attention span of a goldfish she’s bouncing around the bus and leaves him hanging.  She gives them all guitars, wow.  They must have been free from Gibson because we all know how cheap VH1 is with these budgets, I assume they had a nice chicken wing lunch.

She doesn’t give London any alone time and he’s about to go off the deep end.  Meanwhile, Cage opens up to Daisy about his abusive dad and his dead alcoholic mom.  Wah, now he punches people for a living.

London is all “Fuck this and shit” and hitting the bottle on the way back.  He’s such a douche.  He’s yelling at her while playing with the guitar she just gave him.  He went from McDreamy to McDouchy in the span of an hour, niiiice.  He’s pouting and packing his shit, then she calls him into her room and they have a little cryfest.  They make out.  She tells him he kisses the best.  I just threw up in my mouth a little.  Why do I make myself watch this crap?

The next day, she sends her nude team to get a Rock’n’Roll make over, surprise!  They look like rejects from Burning Man now.  Makeover Fail.

To kill some time Daisy takes an opportunity to stir up more drama and plays truth or dare with the rest of the dudes.  Truth–Fox asks Chi Chi who he thinks will go home first, Chi Chi or Sinister?  Wah, he puts himself down and says that he thinks Daisy would chose Sinister over him and they have more in common.  Huh?  If that’s not a play for her sympathy I don’t know what is.  He’s like a little pathetic kitten, not exactly what I think she’s looking for.

Truth–she asks London why his dad kicked him out…oops.  I told you she was a goldfish…he’s annoyed, and most of all embarrassed about being called out in front of everyone on his situation and tells her to peace out.  As douchy as this guy is, I totally see where he’s coming from.  She’s not putting much effort forward on anything besides make out sessions, and her listening skills leaves something to be desired.

Before elimination, Riki tells her to get rid of London.  He basically tells her to stop being retarded.  She doesn’t.  Wow, she goes to London and TELLS him she’s going to give him a chain.  Uh…what?

Elimination time, the makeover guys are back and looking gayer than ever!  Six Gauge looks like he just walked out of a fetish club, and they’re all wearing too much guy-shadow.

She calls up London just as promised but he turns down her chain, and she runs off crying.  Thus we lose another cog from the douche factory.

Bye bye London, you won’t be missed!

Presidential Snark

May 10, 2009

I’ve been trying to keep myself distracted in light of recent events, and I also have to stay home by the phone.

I did get some laughs tonight watching the White House Correspondents dinner, the Prez killed!  Did anyone else watch this?

Favorite quotes:

“Micheal Steele is in the house tonight, or as he would say ‘in the heezy’.  Whasup?  Where’s Michael?  (sees him) Michael, for the last time, the Republican party does not qualify for a bailout.  Rush Limbaugh does not count as a troubled asset, I’m sorry.”

“Dick Cheney was supposed to be here but he’s busy working on his memoir, tentatively titled How to Shoot Friends and Interrogate People.”

“Last week Car and Driver named me auto executive of the year.”

“Another thing that’s changed in this new warmer, fuzzier White House is my relationship with Hillary.  We had been rivals during the campaign, but now we could not be closer.  In fact the second she got back from Mexico she pulled me into a hug and gave me a big kiss–told me I should get down there myself.  Which I really appreciated, it was nice.”

“During the second 100 days we will design, build and open a library dedicated to my first 100 days.  During the next 100 days I will learn how to go off the prompter and Joe Biden will learn how to go on it.”

“In the next 100 days, I will strongly consider losing my cool.  Finally I believe that my next 100 days will be so successful I will be able to complete them in 72 days, and on the 73rd day I will rest.”

If that wasn’t awesome enough, Wanda Sykes came on next.

“It’s funny to me that they’ve never caught you smoking but they always catch you with your shirt off.  I know you’re into this transparency thing, but I don’t need to see your nipples.  Is there a beach at Camp David, what the hell?  You know there was never a nipple portrait of Lincoln, I’m sorry.”

She was freaking hilarious!

Go here to get your giggle on and see full videos of both Obama and Wanda’s speeches.