Archive for the ‘evil bugs’ Category

I don’t think this is part of a balanced breakfast…

December 11, 2009

So I go into the kitchen for my cornflakes night-cap.  Let me preface this by saying that I am a cereal fiend.  Even as I’m pouring out the cereal, I’m making sure that I’m leaving enough for a bowl in the morning.  Yes, I’m even carefully planning out my next bowl of cereal.  I also make a mental note of how much milk is left.  Everything is still all good for the morning.

I go to complete my perfect bowl of cereal, the one I’ve been craving and imaging eating for the past hour, and reach for the bag of sugar to sprinkle (generously) on top.  Then the worst thing imaginable happens.

A roach falls out of the bag of sugar and lands in the middle of my cereal.

In my mind I’m still thinking I can save this (I must have gone temporarily crazy) and I nudge at the roach to try to encourage him to run over to the edge and make a quick exit.  He’s slightly smaller than a cornflake.  Of course in my mind I’m just rationalizing that if I can get him off as quickly as possible I can just scoop off the flakes that he stepped on and I can still eat this.  Wrong.

I grab a pair of wooden tongs and try to grab him, but that’s also ridiculous.  I end up hacking away at the bowl with the tongs as he rapidly disappears into the cereal.  Now there is a roach hiding in my fucking cereal.  My cursing and hacking even woke up hubby who was asleep down the hall.

Now I have no idea what to do with this goddamned bowl of bug cereal.  It’s still sitting on the counter where I left it.  We don’t have a garbage disposal and the trash is full.  Perhaps I’ll flush it down the toilet.

I have never lost a craving so quickly.

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Bite me!

June 17, 2009

I have chiggers.  If you’re lucky enough to live up north and not know what these little fuckers are, count your blessings.  They itch…really bad.

"I'm evil!"

"I'm evil!"

Here’s how Wikipedia describes what they do:

“Chiggers attach to the host, inject digestive enzymes into the bite wound, and then suck up the digested tissue through a tube formed by hardened skin cells called a stylostome .  They do not burrow into the skin or suck blood, as is commonly assumed. Itching from a chigger bite may not develop until 24–48 hours after the bite, so the victim may not associate the specific exposure with the bite itself. The red welt/bump on the skin is not where a chigger laid eggs, as is sometimes believed. The larva remains attached to a suitable host for 3 to 5 days before dropping off to begin its nymph stage.”

I’m pretty sure I caught them when I walked the dog where we usually go, a field/alleyway by my house.  I haven’t walked the dog in two days because I’m afraid of getting more.  You always get like one or two every summer, but right now I count 8 on my stomach, 16 on the front of my right leg, 18 on my left leg, plus all the ones I can’t count on my back and butt.  I have never in my life had this many an once!  At least I don’t have them as bad as this chick:

Thank god this isn't me.

Thank god this isn't me.

The only way to treat them is to suffocate the little fuckers, which I do with delight, so I’ve been applying clear nail polish on each one (except the ones I can’t reach, arg!).  Did I mention they itch like hell?  Yes?  Well they itch.